We view sexual compulsiveness as a progressive condition that can be healed with the help of our loving Heavenly Father who made us and knows us.

Sexual compulsivity may take several forms — including (but not limited to) a compulsive need for sex, extreme dependency on one person (or many), and/or a chronic preoccupation with romance, intrigue or fantasy. It may also take the form of a compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual or emotional nourishment.

Obsessive / compulsive patterns may exist where relationships or sexual activities have become increasingly destructive to career, family and sense of self-respect.

Some characteristics of sexual compulsivity may include:

1. Having few healthy boundaries, becoming sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.

2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, staying in, and returning to painful, destructive relationships, concealing dependency needs from oneself and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends, loved ones, oneself and God.

3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, compulsively pursuing and involving oneself in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.

4. Confusing love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or to be rescued.

5. Feeling empty and incomplete when alone. Even though one may fear intimacy and commitment, continually searching for relationships and sexual contacts.

6. Sexualizing difficult emotions, including stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. Using sex or emotional dependence as substitute for nurturing, care, and support.

7. Using sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.

8. Becoming immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsession or fantasies.

9. Avoiding responsibility for ourselves by attaching oneself to people who are emotionally unavailable.

10. Staying enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue or compulsive sexual activities.

11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, retreating from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.

12. Assigning magical qualities to others, idealizing and pursuing them, then blaming them for not fulfilling one's fantasies and expectations.

Sexual compulsivity leads to ever worsening consequences if it continues unchecked.

In SOZO we learn to accept the reality of our behaviour and its consequences, and surrender the idea that we can control it successfully on our own. Admitting personal powerlessness over this struggle, we turn to Jesus to learn a different way to live. We make restitution for harm done to others and begin to reorder our lives in body and spirit.

What we tell ourselves in our compulsive behavior before we surrender to God.

Denial
(“I’m fine, I don’t have a problem”) - you refused to acknowledge that you had a problem. It is the very defense mechanism that probably kept you from taking a first step for so long. The shame of acknowledging your problem seemed overwhelming, so you hold your problem in the shadows to avoid bringing it to light.

Minimization
(“I’m not that bad”) – you minimized the magnitude of your bondage to this problematic sexual behavior.

Justification
(“All I want is a little relief”) – you somehow justified your sexual acting out in a way that often was self-pitying and manipulative of others.

Rationalization
(“It’s not my fault”) – you somehow vindicated your compulsive sexual behavior by explaining it in a logical manner to avoid the true reasons for the behavior; you may have used platitudes, such as “Everything will work out for the best,” “Life goes on, “or “Everything happens for a reason” in an attempt to find comfort from your psychological or physical pain. The Four Pillars of Compulsive Sexual Behavior (Shadows of The Cross) A Christian Companion to Facing the Shadow Craig Cashwell PhD, Patrick Carnes PhD, and Pennie Johnson LPC, CSAT (Gentle Path Press 2015)

The common question we ask ourselves is “how can I behave this way and still be a Christian?”

Our 6 Steps - STRONG [1]

Surrender to God
Turning around
Reflecting honestly
Owning our wrongs
Navigating redress
Giving support

These steps are outlined in more detail below:

Phase 1 – steps 1 & 2. Relinquishing our will to God.

1. SURRENDER TO GOD

Admit our powerlessness and unmanageability, genuinely ask Jesus to forgive my sexual sin and accept that through his death and resurrection, he has done for me what I am unable to do. That is, I accept Jesus' work of salvation.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has passed away behold the new has come."
2 Corinthians 5:17

2. TURNING AROUND

Turn from my fleshly desires by actions to initiate my submission to God's will and promises. 

“Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.”
Acts 2:38

Phase 2 – steps 3-5.

Steps three to five are the cognitive work in the program, understanding ourselves and behaviours better, these steps should be done separately and in order to allow the healing process to be fulfilled. They should be completed by participants at their own pace. Sometimes participants may wish to also seek council from a trained Christian therapist for these works. The resources listed in the program cover all the reading and work exercises material for these three works to be completed. We encourage participants in the program to follow these materials to help fully understand the nature of their behaviour and the cognitive steps to a new conscience. During this time or at least in the early stage’s withdrawal will be experienced and this is where both the work and fellowship is vital.

3. REFLECTING HONESTLY

Take a rigorous personal inventory of my behavior, consequences and actions.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" Psalm 139:23-24

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Romans 12:2

4. OWNING OUR WRONGS

Be willing to share your whole story with another person, stay current, seek fellowship, be completely honest and work the program.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."
James 5:16

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9

“Making promises to ourselves does not work. Telling the truth does. Healing starts the moment we understand this ultimate reality.”
Dr. Patrick Carnes

5. NAVIGATING REDRESS

Where I have harmed others, where possible, appropriately address your wrongs toward them – and offer forgiveness to those who’ve harmed you.

“Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”
Phil 2:12-13

"'God opposes those who are proud. But he gives grace to those who are humble.' So obey God. Stand up to the devil. He will run away from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners. Make your hearts pure, you who can’t make up your minds. Be full of sorrow. Cry and weep. Change your laughter to mourning. Change your joy to sadness. Be humble in front of the Lord. And he will lift you up."
James 4:6-10

Phase 3 – step 6

This is when we are ready to give back, significant healing has occurred within us and we have significant sobriety. This is especially helpful to both the giver and receiver – true fellowship in Christ makes us stronger. Phase 3 this where we show praise and give thanks, celebrate God’s grace.

6. GIVING SUPPORT

Keep in step with the Holy Spirit, read the scriptures, continue to do the work, give praise and reach out to the group fellowship with faith and wisdom.

“Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it."1 Peter 3:10-11

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."Galatians 6:2

[1] This follows a similar but simplified pattern to the The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A., being:

1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. 

Do not try to do all this on your own. Being solitary and isolated is part of why we find ourselves seeking help. Find someone in the group, a therapist, or someone you can trust to help with ongoing support.

1. SURRENDER TO GOD means owning up and completely and continuously giving it to God weekly/daily/hourly. It is saying with Jesus, “Not my will, Lord, but yours be done.” In our powerlessness, God’s power prevails. Faith is a gift. Our first step is to accept it.

   “As the crisis we faced drew us nearer to our conscience we realized the power of God was our only hope. Our repeated failed attempts at controlling our own destiny led us to know it was true and surrender to God was completely necessary”.

2. TURNING AROUND means to ask God for forgiveness and actioning a complete turn from sexual sin. Examples of the removal of temptation would include destruction of a phone/sim card/computer, cancellation of subscriptions, email accounts etc. God is merciful and just, faith expressed through our actions and prayer empowers us in reliance on the Holy Spirit. Walk away from temptation, pick up your cross, die to yourself, and the Holy Spirit will strengthen you. This work is so important and brings so much healing through submitting our will to God.

3. REFLECTING HONESTLY means do the work of being completely honest with ourselves. Journal your behaviour to fully understand the dysfunctional thinking and consequences. Identify trigger points, behavioural patterns, cognitive responses and identify the specific behaviours that you seek to remove from your life. This work can be triggering and challenging you may wish to seek council from a therapist or experienced group buddy whilst doing this work. As this work begins so will withdrawal most likely be experienced. Typically, the worst of this lasts approx. 8-12 weeks and will subside somewhat over the ensuing months. The 2-year mark is another significant milestone in this withdrawal for reduced risk of relapse.

4. OWNING OUR WRONGS means to be honest with another person you can trust. Be open to sharing your whole story with that person or persons. This may be someone close to you or someone in the group or both. You may wish to tell your story to multiple people as vulnerability brings authenticity and freedom from shame and great healing. This should only be done with full consideration of trust. You may wish to buddy with another group participant who is experienced and has sobriety to facilitate this in trust and understanding.

5. NAVIGATING REDRESS can for some be the most challenging. Make a list of those who you have harmed and can safely be approached to offer reparations and seek forgiveness, just as you also forgive those who have harmed you. Consider how you would share this, especially with loved ones whom you wish not to harm. Making amends offers the opportunity to truly deal with the guilt and shame we have. Often immediate family loved ones are first on this list. It’s best to seek help and guidance on this step where necessary.

6. GIVING SUPPORT is being present in the Holy Spirit - attending meetings, sharing what it was like prior to recovery and what it is like now, offering wisdom, prayer and fellowship support to the group. It includes offering to be support to newcomers and being available for outreach, continuing to do the work as necessary.

• All participants are expected to help with setup and put away of meeting equipment. The facility must be left as found.

• All participants must sign in upon arrival. All attendees must be at least 18 years of age.

• All participants must be courteous to others through punctuality for the meeting to run on time.

• Only one person speaks at a time. We show respect by listening to each other's sharing and learning.

• We do not offer our opinions on others' sharing.

• All participants agree together verbally to group meeting privacy conduct, meaning that what is shared in the meeting remains confidential to that meeting.1

• If a meeting needs to be cancelled a notice should be on the door and available contacts texted.

1. If Reportable Conduct is disclosed either in the group, or individually to others in the meeting, by law it must be reported to the relevant authorities.

We recommend the following books to use on your own in your unique journey of recovery and healing (click on links to purchase on Amazon).

Each week we have a short reading from Shadows of the Cross by Craig Cashwell, Patrick Carnes and Pennie Johnson.

We also recommend two other books:

• Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes

• Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery Workbook by Patrick Carnes